[Door's unlocked is probably one of the best phrases in any language. It's an open invitation and an excuse to not commit a petty crime all in one. In this case, it means Jesper is walking into that room and looking very much not fine.
The last time he'd been set on edge like this he had been in a fist fight with Kaz, got a dressing down by his father, and kissed a boy that was definitely not Wylan.]
Define "okay". [He had followed that little conversation, that much is clear.]
[He doesn't remember the last time he's seen Jesper so on edge. The way his shoulders sit, the serious expression that he wears - it's not usually like him. He moves to get up from the bed to greet him at the door when Define "okay" leaves Jesper's lips. The colour drains from his face and he slowly, oh so slowly sits back down on the bed.]
Not being especially great, but not being especially bad. [He rattles off with a mutter before he turns away from the other boy.]
[If he wasn't on edge, Jesper would have a laugh at Wylan rattling off what was basically the dictionary definition of the word. But he doesn't laugh, and when Wylan turns away it almost physically hurts.]
Fine isn't the same as okay. [He sighs, moving to sit on the bed as well. But the space he leaves between them may as well have been an ocean.] Talk.
[He nearly shrinks away. Nearly moves back out of a knee-jerk reaction because of the tension of the room. He dares to glance at the space between them and it's too much but he can't make himself move to close it. Not yet.]
I'm not really... happy? I mean I think that much is obvious given where we are. [How could one be happy in Hell?] You told me you were trying.
[Between Kaz shoving Frenzy into his system and Noah with Bond... what else could happen?]
I am. [It's defensive, too much so, and he knows it. Has he been? Really? Not enough for Wylan, apparently. He should have seen it, should have known with their talks that it wasn't working out in a way that was good enough.
And in the end that was always Jesper's worry. That he wouldn't be good enough to meet his father's standards. He wouldn't be good enough for Kaz to keep around. He wouldn't be good enough to deserve a good thing like Wylan.
Self-fulfilling prophecies.]
Saints...you weren't going to say a word, were you?
[He draws his knees close to his chest, crossing his arms over them as he tries to hide further. It wasn't that it wasn't enough. He knows Jesper is trying but he hasn't really been okay with what Hell has been throwing at him. He doesn't know what to say, words escaping him as he starts and stops a few times.
He finally dares to look at Jesper, and the pain settles in his chest just looking at him.]
No, probably not. [He admits quietly, guilt written in his expression.] I know you're trying... I know that. I know you're doing your best but it's just been a lot.
[Too much in a short amount of time, and Wylan doesn't know where to begin with it. Kissing Kaz, Noah in his lap, he logically knows he can't stop these things but what else was he supposed to do? He wasn't actually fine, but he wasn't going to admit it either.
Yet here he was, admitting everything to Jesper one thing at a time because he doesn't want to lie to him.]
[Jesper wants to reach out, wants to close the distance he left him with. It hurts, watching Wylan like this and knowing he's part of the cause behind it all. But he stays where he is, that ocean of space between them.]
And my best hasn't been good enough. And don't try to backpedal and say it's fine. [As much as Wylan was finally admitting it wasn't, Jesper knows he'll likely try and deflect at a moment's notice if he sees the opportunity to.]
It's not that it isn't good enough. [Because what more could he ask from him but his best?] It's just... a lot. Kissing Kaz, having Noah in your lap - I know you were under the effects of frenzy and bond but it's just...a lot and I'm trying to be okay with it.
[But he wasn't okay with it. He wasn't okay with any of it. How could he be? He hated how he was feeling, that jealously was clawing its way through him. It took him months just to be able to touch Jesper again and now-- and now this. He takes in a ragged breath, doing his solid best not to cry. Nothing about this was fair to either of them.]
I don't know what to do. [He admits with a slight crack in his voice.] I don't know what I want you to do. I know you're trying. I know that it's not your fault. I know that. I just don't know if I can be fine with it.
But I don't know if I can be anything but fine. I have to be, don't I?
No, you don't have to be. [In the grand scheme of things, it was a lot--he was asking a lot of Wylan with all of this. He knew that, and deep down he had known it wouldn't be okay. That Wylan wouldn't just be fine with it all, because who really would be? Hell or not, that's too much to ask.]
If you're not fine with it, you don't have to pretend to be. You don't have to be okay with something happening just because we're in Hell or some strange drug or whatever is involved.
[He swallows heavily, worried about where this was going. If Wylan wasn't okay with what's been going on, what's stopping him from calling an end to it all? And the worst part is, Jesper wouldn't blame him.]
But you have to be honest about that, Wylan. Don't go acting like you're okay when you aren't.
[So what more could he do? Wylan was at a loss and the one thing he doesn't want to do is lose Jesper over this. He doesn't want their relationship to end simply because he couldn't handle the jealousy every time Jesper told him something happened. All Jesper has been was honest with him and he's doing what?
Is he punishing Jesper for the things that have happened? For him kissing Kaz and Noah? He hates the guilt that was building up and the frustration at being unable to communicate it. They were trying but where would it all lead?]
I'm trying... but I don't think we get a choice. I need to be fine with it. I need to be okay with Hell deciding to force us into uncomfortable situations. [He needs them to be okay.] I just need time.
[And he slowly, reaches out to take Jespers hand, moving to close the gap.]
I just need you to keep being honest with me when something happens.
[Jesper's wound tighter than he had been at the get-go. He's tense and anticipating an end to this conversation he doesn't want. Because he doesn't want to lose this, to lose Wylan. But every part of him is thinking that's what's deserved.
So when that doesn't happen? When Wylan is the one to reach out and close that gap between them? He startles, jumps and stares. Because this can't be going right. Good things don't come out of his massive screw-ups, and they definitely never work in his favor.]
Haven't faltered on that so far. [And if that's what Wylan needed from him? He'd do it.] But you can't keep saying it's fine in the moment if something happens. We know Hell's going to throw shit at us, but that doesn't mean we have to be okay with it. I need you to be honest with me too.
I know. I know. [Hell was probably never going to give him the time to really process everything, but at the very least he could make sure he was honest with Jesper as well.] I promise I'll be more honest with you.
I should have from the beginning. [He says as he slowly rubs Jesper's hand with this thumb.] I'm sorry I wasn't truthful with how I was feeling.
[He just felt trapped in an impossible situation where he couldn't quite be honest because if he was... would things come crashing down around him? Would he lose Jesper? He didn't want to think about the outcome of something like that, so he's glad that Jesper came to see him.]
Do you...want to stay? [He sounds almost scared of the answer, but also hopeful.]
Even if we're making do with what this place tosses at us...It doesn't make what you're feeling less valid. [He gives Wylan's hand a gentle squeeze.] Might not seem that way when we can't do much more than try and work against everything, but I want to know how you're feeling about it all.
[It helped keep him grounded, as odd as that might be. Being reminded that those choices affect more than him, that there's something worth fighting to keep instead of just giving in to what Hell wants--he needs that.
The hopeful note to Wylan's question edged with fear catches Jesper's attention. Any other time, the answer to that question should have been more than obvious, but then Jesper isn't the only one that needs something to lean on. He offers a smile, something soft and fond, and leans in closer, shifting to further close that space between them. He nudges against Wylan, just within a breath of kissing him.]
[He doesn't know how tense he is until Jesper says that he will stay. Most of his worries ease up, tension leaving his shoulders as he finds himself moving into meet Jesper. He's close, so close, and it was worlds better than where they were before.]
Good. [He's quiet, but he smiles softly. He's grateful for the conversation despite how painful it was. He still hated it, this feeling that settles in his chest but at least it seemed more manageable than it had been before. Talking about it was freeing in a way that he hadn't considered.
He keeps plenty close to his chest thanks to his father.]
Hey. [He murmurs, gently pressing their foreheads together.] I'll always come talk to you. All right?
[He had promised from the start to talk to him, to make it clear where they stood with everything. Jesper didn't want things to be left unsaid between them when everything in Hell was uncertain. At least with Wylan, there could be certainty with them, with what they are.
As close as they are, Jesper takes the opportunity to kiss him. It's soft, and lingering--something sweet and tender. He isn't quite to a point of telling him the whole of how he felt about him, but he always was one to think actions spoke louder than words. Maybe this got close to conveying that.]
I know. [He murmurs, only to be caught off guard with the kiss.
His eyes go wide, stunned by the tenderness of the kiss before he practically melts into it. It's soft, it's sweet, it's everything that he loves about kissing Jesper. Wylan almost sighs into it, his eyes fluttering closed and he returns the kiss, reaching up to cup his cheek gently.
He longs for these quiet, stolen moments, where the world couldn't touch them. And while they're in Hell and certainly these are stolen moments, but he eagerly looks forward to more of them.]
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>Action
Date: 2021-09-07 11:46 pm (UTC)The last time he'd been set on edge like this he had been in a fist fight with Kaz, got a dressing down by his father, and kissed a boy that was definitely not Wylan.]
Define "okay". [He had followed that little conversation, that much is clear.]
no subject
Date: 2021-09-07 11:51 pm (UTC)Not being especially great, but not being especially bad. [He rattles off with a mutter before he turns away from the other boy.]
I'm fine.
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Date: 2021-09-07 11:55 pm (UTC)Fine isn't the same as okay. [He sighs, moving to sit on the bed as well. But the space he leaves between them may as well have been an ocean.] Talk.
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Date: 2021-09-07 11:59 pm (UTC)I'm not really... happy? I mean I think that much is obvious given where we are. [How could one be happy in Hell?] You told me you were trying.
[Between Kaz shoving Frenzy into his system and Noah with Bond... what else could happen?]
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 12:04 am (UTC)And in the end that was always Jesper's worry. That he wouldn't be good enough to meet his father's standards. He wouldn't be good enough for Kaz to keep around. He wouldn't be good enough to deserve a good thing like Wylan.
Self-fulfilling prophecies.]
Saints...you weren't going to say a word, were you?
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 12:10 am (UTC)He finally dares to look at Jesper, and the pain settles in his chest just looking at him.]
No, probably not. [He admits quietly, guilt written in his expression.] I know you're trying... I know that. I know you're doing your best but it's just been a lot.
[Too much in a short amount of time, and Wylan doesn't know where to begin with it. Kissing Kaz, Noah in his lap, he logically knows he can't stop these things but what else was he supposed to do? He wasn't actually fine, but he wasn't going to admit it either.
Yet here he was, admitting everything to Jesper one thing at a time because he doesn't want to lie to him.]
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 12:16 am (UTC)And my best hasn't been good enough. And don't try to backpedal and say it's fine. [As much as Wylan was finally admitting it wasn't, Jesper knows he'll likely try and deflect at a moment's notice if he sees the opportunity to.]
What do you want me to do here, Wy?
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Date: 2021-09-08 12:26 am (UTC)[But he wasn't okay with it. He wasn't okay with any of it. How could he be? He hated how he was feeling, that jealously was clawing its way through him. It took him months just to be able to touch Jesper again and now-- and now this. He takes in a ragged breath, doing his solid best not to cry. Nothing about this was fair to either of them.]
I don't know what to do. [He admits with a slight crack in his voice.] I don't know what I want you to do. I know you're trying. I know that it's not your fault. I know that. I just don't know if I can be fine with it.
But I don't know if I can be anything but fine. I have to be, don't I?
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 12:33 am (UTC)If you're not fine with it, you don't have to pretend to be. You don't have to be okay with something happening just because we're in Hell or some strange drug or whatever is involved.
[He swallows heavily, worried about where this was going. If Wylan wasn't okay with what's been going on, what's stopping him from calling an end to it all? And the worst part is, Jesper wouldn't blame him.]
But you have to be honest about that, Wylan. Don't go acting like you're okay when you aren't.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 12:50 am (UTC)Is he punishing Jesper for the things that have happened? For him kissing Kaz and Noah? He hates the guilt that was building up and the frustration at being unable to communicate it. They were trying but where would it all lead?]
I'm trying... but I don't think we get a choice. I need to be fine with it. I need to be okay with Hell deciding to force us into uncomfortable situations. [He needs them to be okay.] I just need time.
[And he slowly, reaches out to take Jespers hand, moving to close the gap.]
I just need you to keep being honest with me when something happens.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 12:58 am (UTC)So when that doesn't happen? When Wylan is the one to reach out and close that gap between them? He startles, jumps and stares. Because this can't be going right. Good things don't come out of his massive screw-ups, and they definitely never work in his favor.]
Haven't faltered on that so far. [And if that's what Wylan needed from him? He'd do it.] But you can't keep saying it's fine in the moment if something happens. We know Hell's going to throw shit at us, but that doesn't mean we have to be okay with it. I need you to be honest with me too.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 09:25 pm (UTC)I should have from the beginning. [He says as he slowly rubs Jesper's hand with this thumb.] I'm sorry I wasn't truthful with how I was feeling.
[He just felt trapped in an impossible situation where he couldn't quite be honest because if he was... would things come crashing down around him? Would he lose Jesper? He didn't want to think about the outcome of something like that, so he's glad that Jesper came to see him.]
Do you...want to stay? [He sounds almost scared of the answer, but also hopeful.]
no subject
Date: 2021-09-08 11:49 pm (UTC)[It helped keep him grounded, as odd as that might be. Being reminded that those choices affect more than him, that there's something worth fighting to keep instead of just giving in to what Hell wants--he needs that.
The hopeful note to Wylan's question edged with fear catches Jesper's attention. Any other time, the answer to that question should have been more than obvious, but then Jesper isn't the only one that needs something to lean on. He offers a smile, something soft and fond, and leans in closer, shifting to further close that space between them. He nudges against Wylan, just within a breath of kissing him.]
Of course, I want to stay.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-09 12:24 am (UTC)Good. [He's quiet, but he smiles softly. He's grateful for the conversation despite how painful it was. He still hated it, this feeling that settles in his chest but at least it seemed more manageable than it had been before. Talking about it was freeing in a way that he hadn't considered.
He keeps plenty close to his chest thanks to his father.]
Thanks... for talking to me.
no subject
Date: 2021-09-09 10:35 pm (UTC)[He had promised from the start to talk to him, to make it clear where they stood with everything. Jesper didn't want things to be left unsaid between them when everything in Hell was uncertain. At least with Wylan, there could be certainty with them, with what they are.
As close as they are, Jesper takes the opportunity to kiss him. It's soft, and lingering--something sweet and tender. He isn't quite to a point of telling him the whole of how he felt about him, but he always was one to think actions spoke louder than words. Maybe this got close to conveying that.]
no subject
Date: 2021-09-09 10:56 pm (UTC)His eyes go wide, stunned by the tenderness of the kiss before he practically melts into it. It's soft, it's sweet, it's everything that he loves about kissing Jesper. Wylan almost sighs into it, his eyes fluttering closed and he returns the kiss, reaching up to cup his cheek gently.
He longs for these quiet, stolen moments, where the world couldn't touch them. And while they're in Hell and certainly these are stolen moments, but he eagerly looks forward to more of them.]