It's been a month. He's spent weeks worrying about his friends. Caleb was missing. Kaz was forced into treatment in the hospital, and Jesper? He worried that he might never see him again. A pang of guilt is always in his chest as he has that thought because of this place-- this Hell he would never wish on anyone.
But he's not sure how he could survive alone.
The slight creak of the door opening has him springing to his feet, tossing aside his sketchbook and scrambling to the common room. He stops just before the threshold, standing in the doorway as he stares in wide-eyed shock. Tears well at the corners of his eyes, before he moves quickly to cross the room to Jesper. Jesper who is alive, and here, and not dead. Jesper who he was terrified of losing, even if it meant that he was safe and sound.
"You're still here!" He exclaims as he stops just shy of his boyfriend, staring up at him with a pained expression. "You're still here." He says sadly, despite the smile on his face as he slowly reaches up to cup his cheek.
A pause. He swallows down his worries before he quietly, barely whispers, "Where have you been?"
Because he wasn't in the hospital, or at least he couldn't find him at Mercy.
The flash of guilt is easy to catch--Wylan wears his heart on his sleeve around people he can trust, and his poker face is probably the worst among them. But he understands, better than most would. There's that relief in seeing him here, knowing they aren't alone. But this is the last place you'd want someone you love and care about to be.
Love. He had more than enough time to linger on that word, what it meant and how it settled in his chest. Honestly, holding onto that had been one thing keeping him sane in between the bouts of torture.
But this isn't the time, the place, to lay that out. Not when they're both so raw, with nerves on high wires.
So he settles for a tender, fond smile and a careful lean into that touch to his cheek. "Still here."
It's the pause, the following question, that has him drawing in a shuddering breath. He didn't want to talk about, but he owed Wylan that much at the very least. "Getting special treatment on Lucifer's private island..."
He was so tired of the torture. Losing Kaz to Mercy was one thing - at least he could be saved. One couldn't be saved from Lucifer's private island, at least as far as he's aware. He licks his lips, shaking his head before he moves both hands to cup at Jesper's face, thumbs running under his eyes as worry is quick in his expression.
"I'm sorry." He says it so softly that it's barely audible. "I'm so sorry." He says again before he leans up and kisses the line of his jaw. "You don't have to tell me about it."
Because he's certain that the torture that he endured was incomprehensible. Something beyond what he could imagine here in Hell. He refused to picture Jesper at their hands, but the images come and go and he wants to find Lucifer to get his hands on him. He's not a particularly violent person, no, but this was a case where maybe it wasn't so bad to think about harming another person. Even if that person is the ruler of Hell.
"I know it's not much," He starts again, "But you're safe here. For now."
"Hey." It's a gentle, soft whisper. Said between Wylan's kisses and accompanied by his hands covering the other's, pulling them away from his face so he can lace their fingers together.
"What are you saying sorry for?" He smiles, a shadow of the usual ease he shows around Wylan, but it's an expression he hasn't managed for close to a month. He sighs, leaning his forehead against the other boy's, eyes closed as he just breathes in the comfort of being close. It doesn't erase the experiences of the last month, but it certainly helps ease the ache that comes with the memories. "You'll...likely see the marks they left. I'll...tell you, maybe not today. But I don't want you wondering what's left those..."
It may not be the best idea, to tell Wylan about those horrors. But it might be worse leaving him to imagine them. An artist's mind can be a dangerous thing when left to wander and think up what might be behind a cut or a welt or a burn. Judging by the sour expression he wears, Wylan's already picturing some torture or another.
"Always safest when I'm home." That's what this has become. This little hole they've carved out for themselves.
"Because I couldn't save you." He whispers, knowing full well that there was no saving anyone from a fate like that. "Because I couldn't stop them from taking you without me knowing." He rests his forehead against Jesper's, exhaling shakily as he listens to his breathing. It nearly causes his knees to buckle as he listens to Jesper mention that he might have new scars, new marks marring his skin. Bile threatens to rise in his throat as he tries his best not to think about what that means but he knows. He knows what it means and he loathes it.
What saves him from spiraling further into his thoughts is what the other boy says. Always safest when I'm home and his heart swells. Tear threaten to spill from the corners of his eyes, and he just nods. Of course, he was home. They've carved out this space in each other to call it home, enough that no matter what Hell could do to them, they would be okay as long as they have each other.
Hell could only hurt them so much.
"There's a lot to tell you." Like Mercy. Like Jordie. "But maybe... we should talk about something else. Anything else."
Anything but how dreadful this month has been without his friends around.
"We can't always save each other, Wy. Not here..." And he hates that, hates having to admit that. "Don't go apologizing for it. I'm just glad they didn't manage to grab you too." That would have made it worse. The torture on his own was bad enough, but if Wylan had been there--surely pitting their suffering against one another would have been just another way to twist the knife.
Jesper wants to ask, wants to know what there is to tell him. But he doesn't ask, doesn't push. It's better to imagine that, outside of his disappearance Wylan may have just had the luck of having an easier time. A little lie to believe in.
"Sure." He whispers, dropping a soft kiss to the corner of Wylan's mouth.
"...Did you know," He drawls the word out after a few quiet moments, allowing himself to grin as he prepares to shift subjects. "When a goat gives birth it's said to be kidding?" Look, every other thought of his is focused on what's been going on in Hell. When in doubt, fall back on familiar knowledge.
"I know. That doesn't mean I have to like it." He practically pouts at that.
Then Jesper changes the subject. At first, he doesn't understand, the dots not connecting as Jesper suddenly decides to talk about goats of all things. He blinks before he finds himself laughing, it bubbling out before he could stop it. A light sound that is juxtaposed to the hellscape that they're trapped in.
"Really. You decided to talk about goats?" He shakes his head, returning the kiss at the corner of his mouth. "Kidding.... really?"
Well, there's no argument to be had to that statement. Wylan most certainly did not have to like whatever Hell threw their way.
It's the laugh that follows his change in the subject that has him sucking in a breath. There's something about the way it bubbles up in the space between them that's like a punch to the chest. Infectious, causing his grin to stretch wider before he's laughing too.
"I'm serious! They also discovered coffee and have accents." Matter of fact, no joking in his tone despite the laughter that still trickles between words. "We had a few of them around in Novyi Zem. Figured I'd talk about something I knew."
"Accents!" He laughs more. "Now you're just pulling my leg."
This was a lot better than talking about the torture but still! Goats! He swears he's seen a few around hell, but they might just be demons with goat-like eyes. He can't stop smiling, grateful for the change of pace. It was good for both of them to laugh at something so... mundane.
"You could talk about anything and you decided on goats?"
"I swear I'm not. One of the other farms up the way got a doe imported in, and I swear you could tell she was Ravkan from the way she bleated. Took a right year for the buck to give her any attention..."
Something this ridiculous and mundane was, honestly, a better change than he could have hoped. At least it had Wylan smiling with more ease than he's seen in months. Worth it, just for that alone.
"You said anything, and that's what came to mind. Unless there's something else you'd rather talk about?"
"Huh." He shakes his head, still in disbelief. "I've learned something new today about goats."
It was nice, falling into an easy banter with him about the different accents of goats. He fiddles with the front of Jesper's shirt, glancing down at his chest in thought.
"No. I don't know what else to talk about, to be honest." He closes his eyes as he leans in close resting his head against Jesper's shoulder. "It's been... a hell of a month."
"So talk to me," Jesper answers, his voice losing the light, joking airs, and settling into something softer. Something sweet and coaxing. He gently moves away from Wylan, but only to lead him away from the open hall near the door to the couch, somewhere that feels more open to secrets and quiet, whispered talks.
"Tell me what happened. Might not be easy, but it could help."
He takes a seat on the couch with a heavy sigh. It wasn't an easy thing to talk about, what happened, but Jesper deserved to know of all people. There's no room to compare traumatizing events, not in Hell, so he opts to think of it as just an information session. A "what happened" conversation to catch Jesper up on the details.
"Some people were kidnapped to Mercy. I don't know all of the details, but they were cutting people up, replacing body parts and organs, and injecting them with a cocktail of drugs to keep them compliant... I think it was Mammon's whim or something." It wasn't really clear if it was Mammon's doing but it certainly had something to do with him.
Jesper sucks in a breath at the mention of Mercy, but doesn't otherwise say a word while Wylan explains. He had been there once, enough to know it was bad enough on a good day and a straight-up nightmare when anything from Hell was at play. It sounded as though this was definitely one of the worst times to have gotten tied up in there.
It didn't surprise him at all that people were kidnapped, or that Mammon may have had a part to play (either in the orchestration itself or as the target of some kind of cruel retribution). But then there was the matter of Kaz and he had to ask--
"You went after him?" To know what he did either Kaz talked (unlikely), someone else did (a little more probable), or Wylan had the foolish whim to go in after Kaz himself (on-brand for their lot).
"What else was I supposed to do?" This confirms that yes, he went after him. "It took me days to even figure out where he was. I asked around, I went looking at all of Kaz's hiding places - I even went to the Casino thinking he might be there trying to talk you out of gambling again and couldn't find either of you. I nearly asked Lucifer when he actually said something about the possibility to the lot of us who didn't get taken."
He rubs his face, his fingers threading through his hair as he holds the ruddy curls back. It was bad enough that he planned an infiltration and break out on his own hoping to find both of them. But he only found Kaz - and he couldn't save anyone else.
"They took Caleb too but I couldn't find him. I found Kaz in a room by himself high out of his mind." He glances up at Jesper. "I had to get him out of there. I wasn't going to just leave him there."
Another heavy sigh as he looks away.
"Lucifer offered us a way in and I took it. I got him out in one piece." But not entirely in his right mind.
"I should be calling you reckless, going in like that on your own." And he was. But then, weren't they all? As much as he would have worried, it's not like he can do that in retrospect--and underneath that urge to fret is something more solid. Something a bit like pride in the fact that Wylan, scrappiest of them, had gone off on some heroic stint on the hope and a prayer that his friends would be there.
"But...I can't say I wouldn't have done the same if I had been in that position." Honestly, he would have tried to go in on his own with or without Lucifer's invitation.
He bites his lip, looking down at his hands before he drags them through his hair. He wasn't okay. He thought he had lost everyone for a few days and he was alone. That very fact terrified him more than it should, but he also felt immense guilt over the relief he felt when he finally found out where Kaz was being held.
"I hate that I'm glad you two are still here." He says quietly, before immediately changing the subject. "Kaz riding out his high was just... it was hard. I didn't know what I was doing other than letting him ride through the fallout."
There's a pause, before he looks distressed. "He kept ... he kept calling me Jordie."
"How long were you going to pretend to be?" That was something Wylan did, acted okay for one reason or another. It doesn't surprise him that it took him till now to admit it. It was more surprising that he admitted it at all.
He waits for him to talk again, reaching out to take his hand once he finally starts laying out the details. One thing is certain: he'd have to check in on Kaz later. He was planning on it eventually, but it might have to come up sooner with all of this in mind.
And then there's the mention of that name. How many times was Hell going to drag that piece of history back up? "It's not surprising...that Jordie came to mind when he was high out of mind. Tends to be a running theme..."
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Date: 2022-05-09 12:33 am (UTC)But he's not sure how he could survive alone.
The slight creak of the door opening has him springing to his feet, tossing aside his sketchbook and scrambling to the common room. He stops just before the threshold, standing in the doorway as he stares in wide-eyed shock. Tears well at the corners of his eyes, before he moves quickly to cross the room to Jesper. Jesper who is alive, and here, and not dead. Jesper who he was terrified of losing, even if it meant that he was safe and sound.
"You're still here!" He exclaims as he stops just shy of his boyfriend, staring up at him with a pained expression. "You're still here." He says sadly, despite the smile on his face as he slowly reaches up to cup his cheek.
A pause. He swallows down his worries before he quietly, barely whispers, "Where have you been?"
Because he wasn't in the hospital, or at least he couldn't find him at Mercy.
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Date: 2022-05-09 01:07 am (UTC)Love. He had more than enough time to linger on that word, what it meant and how it settled in his chest. Honestly, holding onto that had been one thing keeping him sane in between the bouts of torture.
But this isn't the time, the place, to lay that out. Not when they're both so raw, with nerves on high wires.
So he settles for a tender, fond smile and a careful lean into that touch to his cheek. "Still here."
It's the pause, the following question, that has him drawing in a shuddering breath. He didn't want to talk about, but he owed Wylan that much at the very least. "Getting special treatment on Lucifer's private island..."
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Date: 2022-05-09 11:54 pm (UTC)He was so tired of the torture. Losing Kaz to Mercy was one thing - at least he could be saved. One couldn't be saved from Lucifer's private island, at least as far as he's aware. He licks his lips, shaking his head before he moves both hands to cup at Jesper's face, thumbs running under his eyes as worry is quick in his expression.
"I'm sorry." He says it so softly that it's barely audible. "I'm so sorry." He says again before he leans up and kisses the line of his jaw. "You don't have to tell me about it."
Because he's certain that the torture that he endured was incomprehensible. Something beyond what he could imagine here in Hell. He refused to picture Jesper at their hands, but the images come and go and he wants to find Lucifer to get his hands on him. He's not a particularly violent person, no, but this was a case where maybe it wasn't so bad to think about harming another person. Even if that person is the ruler of Hell.
"I know it's not much," He starts again, "But you're safe here. For now."
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Date: 2022-05-10 12:07 am (UTC)"What are you saying sorry for?" He smiles, a shadow of the usual ease he shows around Wylan, but it's an expression he hasn't managed for close to a month. He sighs, leaning his forehead against the other boy's, eyes closed as he just breathes in the comfort of being close. It doesn't erase the experiences of the last month, but it certainly helps ease the ache that comes with the memories. "You'll...likely see the marks they left. I'll...tell you, maybe not today. But I don't want you wondering what's left those..."
It may not be the best idea, to tell Wylan about those horrors. But it might be worse leaving him to imagine them. An artist's mind can be a dangerous thing when left to wander and think up what might be behind a cut or a welt or a burn. Judging by the sour expression he wears, Wylan's already picturing some torture or another.
"Always safest when I'm home." That's what this has become. This little hole they've carved out for themselves.
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Date: 2022-05-12 11:47 pm (UTC)What saves him from spiraling further into his thoughts is what the other boy says. Always safest when I'm home and his heart swells. Tear threaten to spill from the corners of his eyes, and he just nods. Of course, he was home. They've carved out this space in each other to call it home, enough that no matter what Hell could do to them, they would be okay as long as they have each other.
Hell could only hurt them so much.
"There's a lot to tell you." Like Mercy. Like Jordie. "But maybe... we should talk about something else. Anything else."
Anything but how dreadful this month has been without his friends around.
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Date: 2022-05-15 12:00 am (UTC)Jesper wants to ask, wants to know what there is to tell him. But he doesn't ask, doesn't push. It's better to imagine that, outside of his disappearance Wylan may have just had the luck of having an easier time. A little lie to believe in.
"Sure." He whispers, dropping a soft kiss to the corner of Wylan's mouth.
"...Did you know," He drawls the word out after a few quiet moments, allowing himself to grin as he prepares to shift subjects. "When a goat gives birth it's said to be kidding?" Look, every other thought of his is focused on what's been going on in Hell. When in doubt, fall back on familiar knowledge.
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Date: 2022-05-15 12:06 am (UTC)Then Jesper changes the subject. At first, he doesn't understand, the dots not connecting as Jesper suddenly decides to talk about goats of all things. He blinks before he finds himself laughing, it bubbling out before he could stop it. A light sound that is juxtaposed to the hellscape that they're trapped in.
"Really. You decided to talk about goats?" He shakes his head, returning the kiss at the corner of his mouth. "Kidding.... really?"
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Date: 2022-05-15 12:11 am (UTC)It's the laugh that follows his change in the subject that has him sucking in a breath. There's something about the way it bubbles up in the space between them that's like a punch to the chest. Infectious, causing his grin to stretch wider before he's laughing too.
"I'm serious! They also discovered coffee and have accents." Matter of fact, no joking in his tone despite the laughter that still trickles between words. "We had a few of them around in Novyi Zem. Figured I'd talk about something I knew."
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Date: 2022-05-15 12:14 am (UTC)This was a lot better than talking about the torture but still! Goats! He swears he's seen a few around hell, but they might just be demons with goat-like eyes. He can't stop smiling, grateful for the change of pace. It was good for both of them to laugh at something so... mundane.
"You could talk about anything and you decided on goats?"
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Date: 2022-05-15 12:19 am (UTC)Something this ridiculous and mundane was, honestly, a better change than he could have hoped. At least it had Wylan smiling with more ease than he's seen in months. Worth it, just for that alone.
"You said anything, and that's what came to mind. Unless there's something else you'd rather talk about?"
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Date: 2022-05-15 07:46 pm (UTC)It was nice, falling into an easy banter with him about the different accents of goats. He fiddles with the front of Jesper's shirt, glancing down at his chest in thought.
"No. I don't know what else to talk about, to be honest." He closes his eyes as he leans in close resting his head against Jesper's shoulder. "It's been... a hell of a month."
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Date: 2022-05-15 08:07 pm (UTC)"Tell me what happened. Might not be easy, but it could help."
no subject
Date: 2022-05-15 08:27 pm (UTC)"Some people were kidnapped to Mercy. I don't know all of the details, but they were cutting people up, replacing body parts and organs, and injecting them with a cocktail of drugs to keep them compliant... I think it was Mammon's whim or something." It wasn't really clear if it was Mammon's doing but it certainly had something to do with him.
"Kaz was taken."
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Date: 2022-05-15 08:58 pm (UTC)It didn't surprise him at all that people were kidnapped, or that Mammon may have had a part to play (either in the orchestration itself or as the target of some kind of cruel retribution). But then there was the matter of Kaz and he had to ask--
"You went after him?" To know what he did either Kaz talked (unlikely), someone else did (a little more probable), or Wylan had the foolish whim to go in after Kaz himself (on-brand for their lot).
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Date: 2022-05-15 09:07 pm (UTC)He rubs his face, his fingers threading through his hair as he holds the ruddy curls back. It was bad enough that he planned an infiltration and break out on his own hoping to find both of them. But he only found Kaz - and he couldn't save anyone else.
"They took Caleb too but I couldn't find him. I found Kaz in a room by himself high out of his mind." He glances up at Jesper. "I had to get him out of there. I wasn't going to just leave him there."
Another heavy sigh as he looks away.
"Lucifer offered us a way in and I took it. I got him out in one piece." But not entirely in his right mind.
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Date: 2022-05-23 12:04 am (UTC)"But...I can't say I wouldn't have done the same if I had been in that position." Honestly, he would have tried to go in on his own with or without Lucifer's invitation.
"You...okay, though?"
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Date: 2022-05-23 12:32 am (UTC)He bites his lip, looking down at his hands before he drags them through his hair. He wasn't okay. He thought he had lost everyone for a few days and he was alone. That very fact terrified him more than it should, but he also felt immense guilt over the relief he felt when he finally found out where Kaz was being held.
"I hate that I'm glad you two are still here." He says quietly, before immediately changing the subject. "Kaz riding out his high was just... it was hard. I didn't know what I was doing other than letting him ride through the fallout."
There's a pause, before he looks distressed. "He kept ... he kept calling me Jordie."
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Date: 2022-06-02 11:48 pm (UTC)He waits for him to talk again, reaching out to take his hand once he finally starts laying out the details. One thing is certain: he'd have to check in on Kaz later. He was planning on it eventually, but it might have to come up sooner with all of this in mind.
And then there's the mention of that name. How many times was Hell going to drag that piece of history back up? "It's not surprising...that Jordie came to mind when he was high out of mind. Tends to be a running theme..."